How this pregnancy feels...

When it comes to losing a child, there tends to be a misconception that once you become pregnant, you no longer hurt as deeply as you did before you got pregnant. I just want to clear up quickly, that the pain of losing Aiden is no less today than it was 4 months ago. The pain has changed many times and it's definitely different today than it was at the beginning, but having another baby doesn't in any way take away that pain. Instead, like many other things have, it adds a new level to the hurt.

First, being pregnant again is a constant reminder of my pregnancy with Aiden. I'm reminded daily of every thought, dream, and hope I had for him. There were times before that being around pregnant women was just too much, I had to escape "pregnancy" to give my heart a break from the hurt that it reminded me of. Now, I have no escape. Pregnancy is scary for me, and it's hard to remind myself that it doesn't usually end in pain. That not every baby has a cord accident. I know that all I can do is trust God and his plan.


I found this post from another person whose blog I read. I changed a few things to fit ME, but what she said fits perfectly. It is exactly how I feel. Although I'm excited about being pregnant and about this baby inside of me, it doesn't take away the fact that I still morn the loss of my sweet precious Aiden. It also doesn't take away the fact that pregnancy, even though is exciting, it is also a very scary time for me. When you lose a child you worry about all the what ifs and hope and pray that it never happens again! Having this baby won't replace Aiden, it is just an addition to our family...a chance to give Zachary an earthly sibling.

Over the Rainbow...

Walk to Remember

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month?

Every year, since the year I lost my first baby I have been attending the West Michigan Walk to Remember. Every year, I raise a balloon in rememberance of my baby(ies) that went to heaven too soon. This is a day that I spend honoring those babies.

Although from the outside, we may look like a family of three, Zachary really is a middle child. He might not have any earthly siblings, but he has two siblings up in heaven watching over him and waiting for the day they can finally play together.

Releasing baby Aiden's balloon

There are way too many families affected by miscarriage or infant loss. This year there seemed to be less families that attended...so this picture doesn't even begin to show you how many people are affected by this!

Please take a moment to remember those babies who have gone before their parents...

In remembrance of Baby Husted - September 2007 and Aiden Jeffrey Husted born still on February 19, 2011. We love you forever and always!

I think of you often...

I thought of you when I saw this picture. I hope God is loving on you lots!


• I hate that I have a son up in Heaven and not in my arms.
• I hate that I have to think about flowers to put at his grave site
• I hate that I have to remember when the date is to take those flowers off the headstone
• I hate that I see other kids that would be his age and think about all the things we should be doing with him

I do however know that he is in Jesus arms and having a wonderful time. I know that his great grandparents and sibling are also enjoying him. They recieved a wonderful gift the day he went to spend eternity in heaven. I just wish that I could have spent time here on earth with him too. Until we meet again little man. I love you and miss you bunches!



Summer time

This has been quite a summer. We have been to 4, yes 4 weddings this summer. We had two back to back weddings in June. These weddings were very emotionally tough because these were weddings that I wasn't supposed to be able to attend. I was scheduled to deliver Aiden on June 15th. I would be about to explode at one of the weddings (not being able to attend because I couldn't guarantee that I would have gone early) and the other one I would be recovering from my c-section and caring for a newborn.

Neither couple had any idea how emotional those days were for me (unless of course they are now reading this blog). I put on a brave face and went trying to be happy for them on their big day. Congratulations Alex and Tiffany and also Congratulations to Jeremy and Ashley. Both of your weddings were beautiful and I hope your day was everything for you.

July brought potty training. I had NO IDEA that when Zachary talked about wanting to wear big boy undies that this would be the beginning of a potty trained boy (well, I suppose we are still training, but we have been accident free almost every day for weeks).

He does actually sit down to pee, but this particular day he wanted to try to pee like his daddy.



He has been doing so good and I am so proud of him. We need to work on the night time potty thing, but he has now been try for 5 nights straight. Could this to be the beginning of the end of pull-ups? I told him if he is dry for 2 weeks straight, then he can go to bed in his undies. We will see what the upcoming nights bring!

We had loads of fun over the 4th of July. We went to the Grandville parade and craft show.

We went to Papa's pool...

and we finished the day off by going to the fireworks. Yes, he stayed up for the entire thing. This was his first fireworks since he was an infant! He did so good.

We decided to squeeze a weekend up north at my parents cottage in the middle of the holiday and the weddings. We knew that if we didn't go that weekend, we weren't sure when we would be able to make it up there. So, we packed up and headed up to visit Nee and Umpa. We mainly just hung out and relaxed. It was a great weekend.

Headed into the lake for my first swim in a lake ever!

Riding on the boat with Mama

Swimming in the lake with my Daddy

Driving the boat with my Umpa

For my birthday, I decided to take the day off to spend the day with Zachary. Well, John ended up deciding to take the day off as well. My goal that day was to get to the Ottawa County Fair, a trip to Captain Sundae and then to dinner at El Burrito. We started the day heading to the Fair.

We fed the animals

we visited the animals

We enjoyed riding on a horse

And we stopped at Captain Sundae before heading home for a good nap. I had to get a tommy turtle, but daddy and Zac shared a cone.



In August we had another 2 weddings to go to. Back to back weekends again. This time we had to travel to Chicago one weekend and then turn around and travel to Glen Arbor the next weekend.

The first weekend we headed down to Chicago. We were asked to take Zachary with. So we loaded up the car with movies and activities to keep him busy. The wedding was beautiful and Chuck and Nina are now married. Congrats!





The following weekend, we traveled up state to Glen Arbor. Again we packed up the car with lots of stuff for Zachary to keep him busy. I went to my first outdoor wedding. It was a beautiful place overlooking Lake Michigan. It was unique as well, as you got to ride the ski lift up to the wedding.

For some reason, I failed and never took a picture of the bride and groom. Shame on me. Anyway, congrats to Brittany and PJ. I hope your wedding was everything you hoped for.

Overall this summer, besides traveling, we have been just enjoying some time outside, riding our bikes, swimming in the pool and eating some ice cream.





I thank God every day for giving me the gift of Zachary. I love my family so much and am happy they are a part of my life.

It's finally in...

Well, our little man's headstone is finally in. It is sort of bitter sweet. I'm happy that it is in and I can finally go there and bring flowers. I'm happy that he is "defined" by a location. I'm happy that his name is displayed for the world to see. I am however sad that the headstone even exists. I am however sad that when I go there I never get to see him. I am sad and happy about the whole thing.

above his name is says "forever in our hearts"

Aiden, you have changed your Mama's life in so many ways. I'm happy to have gotten the chance to meet you, even though you were already gone. I'm happy for the time we did get to spend together. You will always be in my heart forever and always!

I miss him...

I find myself missing Aiden at very random times. It doesn't give any warning. It doesn't ask in advance. It just hits like a ton of bricks. Today is one of those days. I miss him like crazy and wish that I could hold him one more time.

Today I went out to the cemetary where he was laid to rest. We ordered his headstone almost 2 months ago. The cemetary is supposed to notify us when it is in....however we still haven't heard anything. So, I took a drive to spend my lunch with my son. As I drove in I saw all kinds of beautiful flowers marking the spot of loved ones. I wish I could put out flowers, but I have to wait until his headstone is there. As I approached I realized that his was still missing. I sat and spent time with him. I picked away at the grass around his marker. I straighted it. I yearned to be able to touch him.

I miss you like crazy little man! Mama loves you!

Thank you God.

I recieved an email a little bit ago and it made me stop and think! Here is the email...

I dreamed that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received’.

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.


Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed." How is it that there is no work going on here?' I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments"

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked. "Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy."

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair."

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are

ATTN: Acknowledge Dept.


"Thank you Lord for giving me the ability to share this message. And for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it."

These last few months there has been many struggles, many down days and many tears. Thru everything, I still have to remember one thing…..I am still a very blessed person. I have all kinds of people who love me. I have a wonderful husband who cares for me and treats me great. I have an amazing, healthy, active, beautiful son who gives me hugs and kiss when I need them the most. I have a roof over my head. Food in my fridge. Clothes on my back. A car to drive. Healthy married parents. Wonderful friends and family who are there for me when I need them. A job so that I can help pay the bills. I may have been thru struggles that no person should ever have to go thru, but at the end of the day, I am still a very blessed person and I thank God for that.

My Due Date...

Tomorrow brings a lot of emotions! That day marks the day that I was supposed to go in and have a c-section. The day that our family of 3 was supposed to become a family of 4. The day that I was supposed to be over joyed about. Instead it will be a day of heartache and sadness. Please pray for me and my family.

Mama loves you Aiden Jeffrey!

One of the last pictures I have of me being pregnant with Aiden and our family of 4.

Heartache

Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a box and people keep pounding on the walls. They pound on the walls to remind me of everything that I’ve been thru. I can’t get away and there is no way out. All I can do is sit and pray that these feelings will go away. That God will heal my heart. I'd be working on my 32nd week if you were still with us. I miss you Aiden Jeffrey. Tell your brother or sister that I love them too!

My Struggles...

I cried the day I walked out of the hospital because I will never get to touch my baby again...until the day we meet in heaven.

I cried when I got home because I was going to be walking thru the door empty handed.

I want to go back in time so that I can savor every little moment that Aiden kicked me....the only time I got to experience him alive.

People talk about things and complain about things that make me want to scream. They are ignorant and have no idea how it affects me.

I shouldn't have had to pack up my maternity clothes in March, when I wasn't due until June. Most people when they pack up their maternity clothes it is a happy moment. They have their beautiful baby in their arms and packing away their maternity clothes means that they once again fit into their normal clothes. I cried when I packed up mine.

Every day, no matter how I go about my day, I have constant reminders of my loss. They appear around every corner I turn.

Every time I have to write another Thank You note for something kind someone did for us, it is a gut check that we lost our child.

When I think of all of our summer obligations, I have to be reminded that these are obligations without our new baby. We will be attending things that we weren't supposed to be attending because I was supposed to be recovering from my c-section and caring for a newborn.

My son still does not have a headstone. He died in the winter time and headstones aren't put out until it gets nicer out. All those raw feelings will be quickly resurfaced when we have to go complete this task.

Most children know what their siblings look like by seeing a picture of their face. Zachary knows who is brother is by looking at a picture of his feet and hearing his name. He doesn't know what his brother looks like because it is too hard to show him.

It is so hard to watch life go on in front of me when all I want to do is make it stop and go back in time before my world was shattered.

My Zac turned 2!

On Zachary's 2nd birthday - one day after coming home from the hospital - we pulled ourselves together to make HIS day special. The day started out with a visit to the doctor's office for his well checkup. After getting a full bill of health we headed to the store to purchase a balloon and to get a cake. Zachary picked out little cupcakes for his birthday. I think he downed at least 3 of those things.

Shortly after, we headed on over to Chuck E Cheese's. We invited Zachary's bud Noah and his brothers to join us for some fun.

After a few hours everyone was tired and we all went home for a nap!

Now that I'm 2 I can:

• Talk using two words together (Please Mama, Thank you, No puppy, etc) - sometimes even three
• Put his own shoes on (sometimes he gets them on the correct feet) and take them off (including while we are riding down the road in the car)
• Brush my own teeth (although Mama always touches up afterwards)
• Use silverware very good
• Drinks out of a big kid cup without a lid and doesn't spill that often
• Sleeps from 7:30pm-6am (sometimes we get lucky and he sleeps til 7am)
• Wears a size 4 diaper during the day and a size 6 overnight at night
• Sleeps in a big boy bed - because I asked Mama if I could

• Sleeps with his monkey and puppy every night
• Has went pee in the potty a couple times - but not even close to wanting to potty train
• Loves loves loves talking on the phone
• Loves watching home videos of himself
• Loves the water including bath time, pool time and splashing in the sink - I have a feeling I'm in for wet floors in my future
• After saying his nightly prayers belts out AMEN (and also does this at church)
• Loves Monsters, Inc., Mickey Mouse, Disney Bolt, Planet 51 and Madagascar and likes to watch a few minutes when he first wakes up
• Typically only wants to eat a cereal bar in the morning, but occasionally will eat cereal, a waffle, pancake or a muffin
• Eats almost anything that you put in front of him and typically isn't afraid to try something new
• Is a dipper - loves ketchup, ranch and sour cream and will dip anything he can in them including fruit
• Weighs 27lbs 
• Wears 24 month pants for the length, although they have to have adjustable waist so that they don't fall down
• Wears 24 month shirts - although some are getting a little on the short side
• has now went on an airplane twice and did great both times
• has now been to Colorado, Florida, Mexico and Belize
  
  
  
  







Aiden's Story

On Friday, February 18th @ 10am, I had a "routine" checkup to figure out how my blood pressure was doing. When I had my ultrasound at 21 weeks they discovered that my blood pressure was a little higher than it should be. So, back to the doctor a week and a 1/2 later. They weighed me, took my blood pressure and checked my urine for proteins. My blood pressure was up some and my protein was at +2. I laid in the office so they could check my blood pressure some more. My doctor decided to put me on some blood pressure meds, do a 24 urine output screening and have some blood work done. He then measured me and proceeded to check Aiden's heartbeat. He however could not find it. Usually he puts the monitor on there and it comes up right away. I started to freak out. They sent me off to ultrasound almost immediately. I called John freaking out. I went into ultrasound and my worst nightmares come to life. Aiden's heartbeat was no longer beating. I could see it on the ultrasound before the nurse told me. I cried out! They took me into another room so I could talk to the doctor. I called John sobbing and he left work to meet me at the office. Once John got there the doctor told us our options. We obviously had to have this baby - it was a matter of when. We both knew that no matter what we had to have this done...why drag it out any longer than needed. So we left the office and went to the hospital where we were brought into our room 3405.


Our doctor recommended that we induce labor and have a vaginal delivery. If I had another c-section this early in my pregnancy, they would have to cut me from my belly button down (the long way). There were risks of have my uterus rupture and having to have a historectmay, but those happen very little and therefore he thought it would still be best to do a VBAC. We trusted his recommendation. The next kicker was that our doctor was about to leave out of town....so he would not be there for us. He felt bad, but we understood. He took us to a back elevator so we didn't have to parade thru the office weeping and could go the least traveled path.

Once in our room we meet the nurse Cyndy and the doctor who would be there with me for the day. Our nurse was so nice and didn't rush us into anything. She allowed us to stay in the room and take it all in. They allowed me to eat lunch so I could have a meal before my long journey. They also told me that with this type of labor any and all pain meds were allowed. They asked me what I'd want to do for pain. I said I wanted to feel as little as possible thru this process. They told me that as soon as I started to feel any pain I could get an epidural. I was in! I got a ton of blood drawn so that they could do lots of test, gave me my first dose of blood pressure meds and started an IV. At approximately 4pm, they inserted the first vaginal pill to induce labor. They told me that they would be repeating this process every 4 hours until Aiden came out. At 7pm, I got a new nurse, Christy. I was scared because my current nurse was so nice and compassionate...what would this nurse be like? Thankfully she was just as sweet and so caring. At approximately 9pm I was started to feel some cramping and just couldn't settle enough to fall asleep. The nurse suggested that my heart hurt enough that why should I have to deal with this pain. She wanted me to be able to sleep some that night so she suggested that I request an epidural. I agreed that I'd like some sleep. I didn't sleep much that night....off and on between nurse visits and different things that I called the nurse for. Every couple hours I would need to be moved because my body hurt being in that same position. At 7am I again got another new nurse and a new doctor. I again had fears about who I would get. My current nurse told me that the nurse that would be joining us was super sweet and we would be happy with her and boy was she correct. Our new nurse Sarah was so super nice and so kind. Shortly after Sarah arrived things started to happen. At 8:10am, Aiden Jeffrey Husted arrived. He weighed 12oz and was 10 inches long. Our nurse was there to deliver him because he came so fast and our doctor had not yet arrived quite yet. She asked us if we wanted to hold him. I was so scared how I would react to what he looked like. Our nurse told us what to expect. She told us what he would be purplish in color and short of puffy. I eventually held him. I wept and wept. Why God....why? John and I both held Aiden and looked him over taking in everything about him. He was so beautiful in his own way. We called both sets of parents and invited them to come see their new Grandson. Eventually my placenta came out and I asked to see it. While Sarah was explaining the parts of the uterus she noticed a tight knot in the umbilical cord. She also noticed that the cord was a little longer than normal. She also noticed a few other things that didn't quite look correct. All things that helped us to maybe know why. We spend the rest of the day with family and Aiden. They took pictures of him, plaster molds of his feet and all sorts of other things. At approximately 9pm we decided that it was time to say good-bye. It was the hardest thing that I did. I knew that it was time, but it was hard to think that when I did say good-bye it would be forever. I cried and cried after he left.

Angels watching over...

My Mommy is a survivor or so I've heard it said. But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach that never wash away... I watch over my surviving mommy, who thinks of me each day. She wears a smile for others... a smile of disguise! But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive. But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive. As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door... I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore. I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her... and show her that you care. For no matter what she says... no matter what she feels. My surviving mommy has a broken heart that time won't ever heal...

Auhor Uknown