Heartache

Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a box and people keep pounding on the walls. They pound on the walls to remind me of everything that I’ve been thru. I can’t get away and there is no way out. All I can do is sit and pray that these feelings will go away. That God will heal my heart. I'd be working on my 32nd week if you were still with us. I miss you Aiden Jeffrey. Tell your brother or sister that I love them too!

My Struggles...

I cried the day I walked out of the hospital because I will never get to touch my baby again...until the day we meet in heaven.

I cried when I got home because I was going to be walking thru the door empty handed.

I want to go back in time so that I can savor every little moment that Aiden kicked me....the only time I got to experience him alive.

People talk about things and complain about things that make me want to scream. They are ignorant and have no idea how it affects me.

I shouldn't have had to pack up my maternity clothes in March, when I wasn't due until June. Most people when they pack up their maternity clothes it is a happy moment. They have their beautiful baby in their arms and packing away their maternity clothes means that they once again fit into their normal clothes. I cried when I packed up mine.

Every day, no matter how I go about my day, I have constant reminders of my loss. They appear around every corner I turn.

Every time I have to write another Thank You note for something kind someone did for us, it is a gut check that we lost our child.

When I think of all of our summer obligations, I have to be reminded that these are obligations without our new baby. We will be attending things that we weren't supposed to be attending because I was supposed to be recovering from my c-section and caring for a newborn.

My son still does not have a headstone. He died in the winter time and headstones aren't put out until it gets nicer out. All those raw feelings will be quickly resurfaced when we have to go complete this task.

Most children know what their siblings look like by seeing a picture of their face. Zachary knows who is brother is by looking at a picture of his feet and hearing his name. He doesn't know what his brother looks like because it is too hard to show him.

It is so hard to watch life go on in front of me when all I want to do is make it stop and go back in time before my world was shattered.

My Zac turned 2!

On Zachary's 2nd birthday - one day after coming home from the hospital - we pulled ourselves together to make HIS day special. The day started out with a visit to the doctor's office for his well checkup. After getting a full bill of health we headed to the store to purchase a balloon and to get a cake. Zachary picked out little cupcakes for his birthday. I think he downed at least 3 of those things.

Shortly after, we headed on over to Chuck E Cheese's. We invited Zachary's bud Noah and his brothers to join us for some fun.

After a few hours everyone was tired and we all went home for a nap!

Now that I'm 2 I can:

• Talk using two words together (Please Mama, Thank you, No puppy, etc) - sometimes even three
• Put his own shoes on (sometimes he gets them on the correct feet) and take them off (including while we are riding down the road in the car)
• Brush my own teeth (although Mama always touches up afterwards)
• Use silverware very good
• Drinks out of a big kid cup without a lid and doesn't spill that often
• Sleeps from 7:30pm-6am (sometimes we get lucky and he sleeps til 7am)
• Wears a size 4 diaper during the day and a size 6 overnight at night
• Sleeps in a big boy bed - because I asked Mama if I could

• Sleeps with his monkey and puppy every night
• Has went pee in the potty a couple times - but not even close to wanting to potty train
• Loves loves loves talking on the phone
• Loves watching home videos of himself
• Loves the water including bath time, pool time and splashing in the sink - I have a feeling I'm in for wet floors in my future
• After saying his nightly prayers belts out AMEN (and also does this at church)
• Loves Monsters, Inc., Mickey Mouse, Disney Bolt, Planet 51 and Madagascar and likes to watch a few minutes when he first wakes up
• Typically only wants to eat a cereal bar in the morning, but occasionally will eat cereal, a waffle, pancake or a muffin
• Eats almost anything that you put in front of him and typically isn't afraid to try something new
• Is a dipper - loves ketchup, ranch and sour cream and will dip anything he can in them including fruit
• Weighs 27lbs 
• Wears 24 month pants for the length, although they have to have adjustable waist so that they don't fall down
• Wears 24 month shirts - although some are getting a little on the short side
• has now went on an airplane twice and did great both times
• has now been to Colorado, Florida, Mexico and Belize