My Struggles...

I cried the day I walked out of the hospital because I will never get to touch my baby again...until the day we meet in heaven.

I cried when I got home because I was going to be walking thru the door empty handed.

I want to go back in time so that I can savor every little moment that Aiden kicked me....the only time I got to experience him alive.

People talk about things and complain about things that make me want to scream. They are ignorant and have no idea how it affects me.

I shouldn't have had to pack up my maternity clothes in March, when I wasn't due until June. Most people when they pack up their maternity clothes it is a happy moment. They have their beautiful baby in their arms and packing away their maternity clothes means that they once again fit into their normal clothes. I cried when I packed up mine.

Every day, no matter how I go about my day, I have constant reminders of my loss. They appear around every corner I turn.

Every time I have to write another Thank You note for something kind someone did for us, it is a gut check that we lost our child.

When I think of all of our summer obligations, I have to be reminded that these are obligations without our new baby. We will be attending things that we weren't supposed to be attending because I was supposed to be recovering from my c-section and caring for a newborn.

My son still does not have a headstone. He died in the winter time and headstones aren't put out until it gets nicer out. All those raw feelings will be quickly resurfaced when we have to go complete this task.

Most children know what their siblings look like by seeing a picture of their face. Zachary knows who is brother is by looking at a picture of his feet and hearing his name. He doesn't know what his brother looks like because it is too hard to show him.

It is so hard to watch life go on in front of me when all I want to do is make it stop and go back in time before my world was shattered.